Red Badge of Courage

Deuteronomy 31:6
“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the one who goes before you. He will not forsake your; do not fear of be dismayed.”

Once I was fearless. Nothing scared me accept the monsters and ghosts my friends and I would create in our minds. Oh yeah, and the dark. Can you keep a secret? I’m still afraid of the dark.

Over the past few years I have grown more and more aware of the anxieties in my life. And I seem to have a greater amount of them. I know that I hate large crowds and the isles of a super department store will almost disable me completely. So even though it is less cost effective, I will often shop at my local grocery store just to keep my heart out of my throat and avoid hyperventilating.

Recently I felt a fear that I had only felt one other time in my life. I was a freshman in high school and my friends and I went to State Fair. We gathered up all of our courage and decided to go through the haunted house. Two exhibits in my heart began to pound like a base drum, my breathing got shallow, and I could feel myself overheating like a frog in boiling water. I sat down on the floor between Frankenstein and Dracula, shut my eyes and began to cry.

Fear had physically paralyzed me. I had become useless blob of sobbing goo, praying for a knight in shining amour to rescue me. In this case I would be happy to see a large burley man in a white t-shirt with red letters that said security. There I was trapped between Frankenstein and Dracula with my one and only defense mechanism TEARS!

Out of nowhere a large hand reached down and helped me to my feet. Security had come to lead me out. I’m not even sure how he knew I was there. But he did. Maybe Frankenstein snuck out and told the guard that some overly dramatic chick was ruining his extremely realistic performance. It is also possible that the security guard was watching, saw me and just knew that I was a damsel in distress who needed rescuing. All I knew was that to me he was a savior and I was lost and scared. He was the only one who could rescue me from the evil beings that surrounded me.

The whole feeling came over me so quickly that I never saw it coming. It blindsided me. I was doing something I had done before. Just two years prior. I was in the exact same spot doing the exact same thing. But two years prior the reaction was completely different. I was climbing a mountain. Not Mount Everest, a mountain behind a church, a prayer mountain. What could possibly happen to me on a mountain that God created specifically for prayer? As I climbed closer to the top, which I had every intention of reaching, I expected to be short of breath because I was two years older and heavier. That was not the case. Once again my heart began to pound like a base drum, my breathing got shallow, and I could feel myself overheating like a frog in boiling water. I knew exactly what I was feeling, I was feeling fear. Not of going higher, but of coming down that mountain. I know that fear is not of God. It says in Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the one who goes before you. He will not forsake your; do not fear of be dismayed.” How could I possible be so anxious on top of such a holy mountain? Yet the feeling was very real, I wanted down and I wanted down now! So I did want any red-blooded American mom would do during a ridiculous anxiety attack, I sat down pretending to catch my breath.

It was at that point I remembered feeling the same way once before, I remembered that haunted house at the state fair. I also remembered the nice man in the white T-shirt that said SECURITY on the back in large red letters. I remembered burying my head in his back against those red letters, closing my eyes and letting him guide me one step at a time away from the evil. I allowed the security guard to become my red badge of courage. Then I thought to myself how much I had grown in the last 20 plus years at least I wasn’t crying.

So I stood up and announced to my family that I was going down the mountain. As I descended I prayed the entire way down. Burying my heart in chest of the nicest man I have ever known, a chest covered in red stripes that said I Love You. The man who’s red stripes conquered all evil, so that I would never have to be afraid knowing He will forever be my red badge of courage. Jesus lead me one step at a time down the mountain, just as He will helps me conquer my fears on a daily basis. I know He has gone before me, and He will not forsake me.

I still have to confess that I’m afraid of the dark, and don’t look for me in the isles of my super department store. But I know in my heart, that Jesus will be with me in both of these places, because he guides my steps going before me to keep me safe in His Will.